Most times life can be so very sweet but we causes our own destruction with little mistake we did in past that caught us with in present. My name is Biola Adewale (not real name) and this is my story quite painful. I was lucky to have gotten married at my early stage at the age 22 years old after my service year.
Tokunbo Adewale (not real name) and I fell in love during our final year in higher institution and were married early in 2005. We had always talked about having a family together. Tokunbo had said he wanted a girl and a boy. Little did he know, I never wanted kids because I felt I was not ready to have children yet, especially considering my career as a young high flying banker. I took the contraceptive pill religiously.
My life was like clockwork and contraception was always high on my list of priorities. To my regret, I didn’t take action soon enough. A mere eight months after I became Mrs. Adewale, I found myself praying for menstruation to come while I had already started throwing up in the morning.
The doctor confirmed I was 8 weeks pregnant. I loved Tokunbo and never had the intention to hurt or betray him. I just could not afford to have a child. Not because I was scared of losing my job, but because I felt having a child would completely change everything about my life.
To me, the thought of procreation also seemed unnatural. I was always happy to be with children, and people often said that I look like someone who would one day make a loving mother. But I never thought of myself as a mother, maybe because I am perhaps too selfish to ever dedicate my life to raising a family.
I realized that the way I thought about parenting was frowned upon by many of my friends and family. Above all, my husband always appeared sad whenever I told him that I wasn’t ready to have children. For that reason, I vowed not to talk much about the issue of children anymore to anybody so that my real feelings would never be known. I had hoped that our honeymoon period would last throughout our marriage, so that children would never be able to interfere with my life.
In fact, I had expected my husband to continue loving me without demanding for kids. However, this delusion of mine was shattered as soon as my doctor announced with glee that in approximately seven months time, I would become a new mother. I was so determined never to get pregnant in the first place, that I had never actually thought about abortions.
It was strictly against my parents’ religion to even consider such an act, so my first feelings after hearing the dreaded news was complete panic. I went home to Tokunbo and told him with a fraudulent smile that I was in fact pregnant with his son or daughter. He was over the moon and would not stop kissing my stomach. His actions made me feel even more nauseous than I already was.
It may seem strange looking back on the situation why I even bothered to tell him. But Adebayo Akintola was my best friend and lover and because of that I actually thought of keeping the child for no other reason but to please him. I tried to convince myself that having a child might bring happiness into my life and that I was devilish to think otherwise.
This self-loathing tactic only made me hate the child even more for provoking me to hate myself. I then decided that I could not go through with the pregnancy. My husband would have divorced me on the spot if I had asked him to consider having an abortion. So I thought of another way to get rid of the child without making it look suspicious. So a few days before my abortion, I began to fake having stomach cramps and bleeding, in order to ensure that Tokunbo wouldn’t be so surprised when I eventually announced that I had had a miscarriage.
I told my husband that I was bleeding and that the bleeding had become very serious. I also warned him of the high risk of complications in the first trimester of pregnancy. During that period I began to feel so guilty about betraying my husband. All the betrayal and deceit began to eat away at me and I was depressed.
However, regardless of the guilt I felt, I couldn’t face the alternative of bringing a child of my own into the world. I went through with the abortion while on lunch break from work. The doctor was very careful and the entire process was simple and clean and took not more than an hour.
I went home to my loving husband and allowed the weeks of pent up emotion to overflow in an effort to convince Tokunbo that I was truly devastated as a result of increased bleeding which happened at the office. Of course, my husband insisted I go straight to the hospital and see a doctor.
I lied and told him I had already gone, where they confirmed that I’d had a miscarriage. Naturally, my husband was devastated that I had lost the baby. His pain only strengthened my guilt which contributed to an uncontrollable outburst of emotions and I wept for a long time after that.